A rose by any other name

It’s such shit that the CMHT refuse to see me. The Crisis Team refuse to work with me. Well, fuck all of them! I’m stronger without their bullshit ‘take this pill and you’ll get better in six weeks and if you don’t get better then it’s bye bye, we can’t help you.’

My mental illness doesn’t work like that. It’s chronic, yes, but I have very bad acute episodes sometimes, episodes that need TREATING, not DISMISSING. I deserve respect, my illness deserves respect. To them, I’m a hanger-on, a problem statistic that needs clearing off their books.

So what if I have BPD? That’s just a stupid label that dehumanises and devalues me. That makes me feel worthless and invalidated because of the way (most) mental health professionals treat it. I am more than that.

The private psychiatrist doesn’t want to diagnose my mood swings, but says that I have an ‘element of Bipolaity.’ She says I definitely have an ’emotionally unstable personality type’. Whatever the fuck is wrong with me I DON’T CARE! I am through with labels. I am through from boxes.

I am through with being reduced to nothing but my illness. I am through with being judged. I am through of being treated like shit. EUPD, Eating Disorder, Bipolar, Depression, PTSD, OCD, Anxiety… What the fuck does it matter which one they write on their letters, on their files.

I am a HUMAN BEING who HURTS. I have been through HELL. I have SUFFERED. But y’know what? I HAVE SURVIVED. I am becoming a NEW PERSON. I will never forget the old me, the little girl that was afraid, the teenager that was assaulted, the girl that cried and cut and burnt and puked and starved and tried to kill herself. She is still a part of me but she no longer CONSUMES me.

I am worth more than their names, more than my past, more that my mental illness. I am finding my own way through this, accessing all the alternative treatment/support I can. The NHS is through with me but I’M NOT THROUGH WITH ME.

I’m committed to my recovery. I am determined to make the most of my life. Sure, I’ll never be ‘normal’, but I don’t have to constantly suffer, I can level out. I can achieve and strife and succeed. My mental illness is for life, but my life is not my mental illness.

A rose by any other name