Today, I had my assessment with the Rape Crisis Centre. Yesterday, my suicidal ideation was seriously awful. I genuinely felt that I would rather die then have to deal with this shit. I couldn’t see a way through it, but there is always a way through it and sometimes you just have to dig a little deeper to find your courage.
So, today, I met with a really lovely lady who immediately put me at ease. We talked about my general mental health quite a lot, and she really seemed to understand me when I said about the psychosis ‘protecting’ me from difficult feelings and memories. She said that can happen sometimes after trauma.
And then, the inevitable happened and we talked about what had brought me there. I told her everything. Not in great detail but still, it was hard enough just saying ‘I’ve been raped twice as a teenager/adult and was sexually abused at school’. The school stuff is something I’ve never told ANYONE about in ‘real life’, so that was really hard. I told her about the nightmares, flashbacks and anxiety that are hounding me at the moment.
She asked me what I wanted to get out of counselling, and I said I wanted to be more in control of things and she said that was something they could help with, which was reassuring, and we did a sort of ‘star chart’ about how I was coping with different things, so that when I start counselling, we can see if there’s any improvement. I really liked that. I like having something solid and tangible and practical to hold onto.
After all that, she put me on the waiting list to see a counsellor and I left feeling really hopeful and positive and hopeful and just Had A Good Feeling About It All.
I know I have a long wait ahead of me just to get a counsellor, and that talking to them is going to be super painful but I feel like I can face it. I have found such courage in myself over the last couple of weeks and, at times it runs out and I breakdown and want to die and just feeling FUCKING AWFUL, but I dig a little deeper and find the strength to keep going, somehow.
I’m so damn proud of myself. I can’t believe I got through it, how honest I was and how much I feel like things could change.